Why does it always come to this?
Why does love always end with “let go” like it’s some universal solution?
Why does silence suddenly become the mature thing when all I wanted was one real conversation?
I keep asking myself the same shit again and again –
why tf should I let her go if I truly loved her?
Yeah, I know she used me.
Yeah, I know she betrayed me.
I’m not stupid. I can see it clearly when I zoom out.
But knowing something doesn’t magically switch off feelings.
If it did, I’d be fine by now.
Didn’t I love her?
Fuck… I still do.
Just not loudly anymore.
Not shamelessly.
Just quietly, sitting somewhere in the background of my chest,
like a song I’m not allowed to play anymore.
That’s what hurts the most –
I didn’t stop caring.
I just stopped being allowed to care.
I keep replaying everything in my head like a broken reel.
Where did she misunderstand me this badly?
At what point did I become someone I literally never was?
How did my pure intentions get translated into something so ugly?
I swear, I still believe one conversation could fix things.
Just one calm talk.
No drama. No blame.
Just honesty.
But fuck it – all my strength dies the moment I accept the truth:
she doesn’t want me anymore.
And that hurts more than being used.
Way more.
I know she used me.
I know that.
But I still wanna stay.
Not to trap her.
Not to force anything.
Just… stay.
As someone permanent.
As someone who would protect her from the horrors she never talks about. From the darkness I could see but never fully touch.
As someone who wouldn’t leave when things get heavy .
I know she used me –
but to me, she wasn’t timepass.
She wasn’t replaceable.
She felt like family.
And how the hell do you abandon someone
who felt like family in your heart,
even if you were just convenience in theirs?
Isn’t love supposed to fight?
Isn’t love supposed to stay when it’s painful?
Why does walking away get called strength
and staying get called desperation?
Why tf is letting go preached as final act of love ?
Isn’t letting go for losers?
For people who gave up too early?
For people who loved less deeply than I did?
Because if I let go…
what was all that love for?
All that patience?
All that restraint?
All the times I stayed quiet just to keep the peace?
The nights I stayed when I could’ve saved myself.
Does letting go mean I failed my own heart?
And now I’m stuck.
Properly stuck.
Stuck in Identity crisis.
I don’t know who I’m supposed to be anymore –
the guy who respects boundaries,
or the guy who believes love means never giving up.
Should I approach her again?
Or would that just make things worse?
I know it would break a boundary.
I know that.
And I keep asking myself – for what?
To make her understand I never lied?
That my intentions were always clean?
That I never played games?
That I never wanted to use her?
That I just loved her?
That I still do?
Or would that just be me choosing my need to be understood
over her need to be left alone?
Why does staying feel like crossing a line
and leaving feel like betraying everything I believe love is?
I don’t hate her.
I don’t want revenge.
I don’t even want closure.
I just wanted her to know who I really was.
And maybe that’s the pain I’ll have to live with –
not losing her, but being remembered as someone I never was by the person who mattered the most.
Being misunderstood badly and hated brutally for being the person you never were(misunderstood ofc) by the only person you expected to understand you .